Bogus Carlin Quotations

Here is a linked list of quotes and essays that often get falsely attributed to George Carlin. Please read my FAQ to this topic, if you haven’t yet. And if you see somebody on-line who keeps misattributing these quotes to George Carlin when he didn’t really say them, please direct that person to this page!

This research is copyrighted by Bill M. / georgecarlin.net; you’re free to link to this page, or copy and paste one or two quotes, but not the entire contents.

• 1. “The Paradox of Our Time”
• 2. “Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body”
• 3. “Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity”
• 4. “I Am a Bad American”
• 5. Why does McDonald’s spend $8 billion a year on advertisements? Because unless you’re brainwashed, there’s no way you’re eating that shit.
• 6. There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I’m certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.
• 7. “George Carlin’s Views on Aging”
• 8. “Reverse Life Cycle” (Life should go backwards)
• 9. “I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is … “
• 10. “If acting was hard for me, I wouldn’t do it; it is something that I like to do”
• 11. “Don’t just teach your children to read … teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.”
• 12. Governments don’t want well informed, well educated people capable of critical thinking.
• 13. “Religion is like a pair of shoes … find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”
• 14. “Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”
• 15. “Tell people there is an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they will touch it to be sure.”
• 16. Can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse
• 17. “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
• 18. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers.”
• 19. “Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls, and …”
• 20. “Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
• 21. “George Carlin’s Solution to Save Gasoline”
• 22. Death of Common Sense
• 23. Platform as a Write-In Candidate in the 2008 Election
• 24. “Signs for Stupid People”
• 25. New Rules for 2006
• 26. List of Hurricane Rules
• 27. Various one-liners, part 1
• 28. Various one-liners, part 2
• 29. Various one-liners, part 3
• 30. Various one-liners, part 4
• 31. Various one-liners, part 5
• 32. Various one-liners, part 6
• 33. Various one-liners, part 7
• 34. “If you take the bible literally and Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?”
• 35. “It’s disgusting, man. Disgusting that people still make the argument that we can never cut defense but…”
• 36. “Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.”
• 37. “One in three Americans …. “
• 38. “Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck”
• 39. “And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.”
• 40. “When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.”
• 41. “A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I’m messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist.”
• 42. “Boy, I feel safer now that Martha Stewart is behind bars. …”
• 43. Reading Bible = cramming for their final exam
• 44. “This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!”
• 45. “Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick”
• 46. Find where the line is and deliberately cross it
• 47. “Respect is taught at home. If your kid is a disrespectful little shit ..”
• 48. “The best engine in the world is the vagina. …”
• 49. “Political correctness is fascism pretending to be manners.”