14. “Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”

Similar to something else George Carlin said, but incorrect:

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

The actual quotation is

The Food and Drug Administration has announced that saliva causes stomach cancer. However, only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.

That’s from the track “Headlines” from his album On The Road (1977). He also used the same joke in his 1978 HBO special George Carlin: Again! (1978), as:

The Surgeon General announced today that saliva causes stomach cancer. However, only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.

As usual, Carlin’s exact words are funnier than the messed-up version being passed around the internet.