32. Various one-liners, part 6


Various one-liners, part 6

  1. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

  2. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

  3. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

  4. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

  5. Why do people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older? Are they cramming for their final exam?

  6. Our mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

  7. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

  8. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

  9. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

  10. No one ever says, “It’s only a game”, when their team is winning.

  11. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?

  12. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

  13. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

George Carlin did not write these. It was explicitly said so on his official website. I noticed that #27 bears some similarity to a Steven Wright joke, but he didn’t write this list either.