27. Various one-liners, part 1


Various one-liners, part 1

  1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

  2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

  3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

  5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

  6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

  7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?

  8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

  9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him…is he still wrong?

  10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

George Carlin did not write these. The lines don’t show up on any of his releases, and his own official website explicitly stated that they’re not his.

These are really just email lists that have been being forwarded around since the 1990s. I remember getting them myself many times. Only much later did they get falsely attributed to Carlin. Some of these are just bumper stickers, like #2 and #3. And #4 is just an embarrassing creationist argument, used by people who don’t understand how evolution works. Though I do remember it being one of the very last gags used years later by Mad Magazine artist Dave Berg for his regular feature, “The Lighter Side Of…”.